An Honest Confession

I don't like confessing.

Like truly & calmly admitting I messed up without making excuses.  Just admitting.  Just being honest
with myself and others and God.

But lately- like the last few years lately- I am learning how to honestly confess and along
with that
how to laugh at my insecurities, my mess ups, which is freeing me in a major way to
be the
broken
beautiful
mess of a loved & redeemed child of God that I am.

And to let others- my husband, my kids, my friends- be that as well.

Well, I had a little major mess up this week & it daily glares at me.

And isn't it canny that it happened after a morning of ministry???

We all looked cute- dressed presentably from my 9 yr. old on down to my 2 yr. old & headed to my husbands office- an alzheimer's unit- where we brought about 100 cut out red hearts in order to make
a festive 4th of July wreath with the residents to hang on their doors.  The activities director is fabulous
and once a month she lets us join in on an activity so my four saplings & I have space to interact with
these folks living out their last chapter of life.  It is humbling really.  Life enhancing.  A stark reminder about
what our bodies do over time.  I rarely leave untouched.

This day was no different.  Lydia delighted hearts, Abby pasted for Mrs. Lucy who can't use her hands,
Joshua cut for Mr. Albert who is on oxygen & Jed glued white stickers on the blue.  We served, we loved.
We were blessed in the giving.

We came home & a sitter was coming in 30 short minutes & I was trying to make smoothies for lunch and pack up the computer & make a grocery list- (always cramming as much as I can into my weekly errand time when a sitter comes!).

And my oldest young man cub asks to show me a used air soft gun he found on amazon as I'm shutting down the computer about to shove it in the bag... And I grunt.  "Tonight, with Daddy, Okay?"
And his head drops & he mumbles something about it only taking a minute & a pain of guilt nudges me
as the blender whirls & the toddler squeals with delight yet piercing my ears so I open back out the computer
and turn it on pretty huffy like.  Get out cups & straws & time is ticking till Miss Rebecca comes & "UGGG why didn't I write out my grocery list last night, and how again am I suppost to love my 9 yr. old well and train my 2 year old out of high pitched screams & gosh, I know I need time away to run errands but why do I feel guilty"  all comes bursting out of me.

And
that's
when I see it...
the nerf gun on my kitchen floor...and I swing my whole leg into it like I'm kicking a goalie kick scoring smack
into
the glass oven.

Shattered...a million little pieces...

And expensive mistake.  Humbling to be sweeping up glass & awkardly mending, consoling young hearts when a babysitter arrives.  Good one, Mandy.

After the "I'm sorry's" and wiped away tears & a talk with my oldest who understands a lot I finally feel okay
to get in the van & leave.  Later than I wanted...of course.  Less time to do the 100 things I needed to.

But somehow this shattering mistake of a bad choice of what to do with my anger
opened a floodgate that was pent up
in my heart...
"I am so scared about...
"I can't do this part of my life...
"I feel so inadequate to...
"I'm not sure how to love this friend...
"I'm so fed up with money frustrations...
"I hate all those sex traffickers in thailand & asheville & all those porn making people...

Why does it take so long for pleasers to be gut level honest?  Like I think all those confessions & more
had been in my heart for weeks & even tho I had prayed & gone for walks with Father & read scripture       I still hadn't reveled
my truest self before him.  Posing can be so subtle, can't it?

Before your oven door gets the hell smashed out of it what kind of honest confessions are lying on your heart that need to bust out?